Your Voice - new poem I just wrote

Coldplay's 'The Scientist' begins
its inflation -
opening a rift
to the rippling of memories

I imagine your ashes
through the high square windows
dust themselves across the stars

and the notes you gave as gifts to children
through piano keys - and song -
dance with your particles
like every color of light -
to arrive on this side
as white

like the white flowers I wrote about
not long after - you leapt
over the bridge cables
and your voice slipped away
into the vacuum of space

I was thousands of miles away
too far to catch you
too far to know about
this kind of trouble

I remember
a hundred times
we laughed together
all at once

And then
your face
the last couple of times
I saw you -
troubled -
maybe weary

I was a conch then
lost, and immune to the world -
not knowing my own power
to see
or to try
to grab the wheel for you

You parked your car there
on the bridge
and left everything in the world
just as it was

I wonder if you know
you pulled me down there
with you then

I wonder if you know
how much it hurt to learn
what a vacuum really is -

the loss of your voice -
to stardust -
where forever
is not a big enough word

This is about my sister Tracy Lea Heineman - who died January 2003 due to suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.   Was watching / listening to a video of Coldplay from Glastonbury 2011 that I dvr-ed a couple days ago.  I listened to a lot of Coldplay after my sister's suicide.  And the song 'The Scientist' always hits me particularly hard. 

My sister worked for Scientific American for a period of time, and the video of 'The Scientist' was a car accident played in reverse - so that the person was alive again after they had died - at one point in the video.   And of course - I was wishing that could have happened to my sister as well -  back from the Golden Gate Bridge.  So this is the poem that I began in my head where tears came streaming out while watching Coldplay's song.

 (the image of grabbing the wheel is figurative.   I was in Dubuque IA when I got the word my sister had left her car parked on the Golden Gate Bridge. noting only because the sabotage network has tried to indicate I was involved in her death somehow)  (there was also never any kind of incestual relationship between my sister and I.   I got the impression some people were trying to say this as well.   My sister sometimes inexplicably seemed to get jealous of my relationships.   Pointedly with my first love Sarah Karim and then also I remember at times with Tanya Delucia and Cindy Haas.   I didnt really understand this.   But I just kind of passed it off as she was threatened that having a woman in my life threatened to take away the person in her family she most could relate to, which was me.   We both had an artist-scientist mind.